I remind the textually challenged that the Flying Penguin is published on a monthly-maybe basis (maybe I'll print it this month, and maybe I won't. You don't like it? Go suck on a muffler...). This newsletter is, and always will be FREE! Why am I doing this? Probably because I need my head examined!

For the benefit of nameless parties (oh okay, I'll name them: park employees) I'm not selling anything. This is a free service I provide for my fellow fliers because the aforementioned nameless people have a problem with RC want-ads on the field's bulletin board (oh, but hanging posters for gun shows at the shooting range is okay, though... nice double standard).

As always, posting an ad in the Penguin is FREE, but if you'd like to show your appreciation for my efforts here, I will gladly accept a donation of two dollars. This donation is strictly voluntary, but if you want to show your support, it would be appreciated, (and you'll be helping support my bad habits). Make checks payable to Robert Osorio. Send your ads to:

The Flying Penguin
c/o Robert Osorio
12555 Biscayne Blvd., Suite 832
North Miami, FL 33181-2597

Phone: (305) 892-9007 Fax: (305) 893-6221

Please include your name, city, and phone number. Ads can be for anything having to do with modeling: used items for sale, want-ads, building services, contests, event announcements, death threats, etc. Copies of The Flying Penguin are available at Markham Park (get 'em when you can, the Park police are stealing them again), Coral Springs Condors Field (courtesy Marv Grubb), Gulf Hobbies in Hollywood (954) 987-7500, and Orange Blossom Hobbies in Miami (305) 633-2521 (courtesy of Charles Rodriguez).

You can also read the Flying Penguin on-line at the Flying Penguin Web-Site of Love at:

http://www.concentric.net/~flypeng/homepage.htm

If you'd like a subscription, send me a book of stamps and I'll mail you an issue each month. If you'd like me to Fax the Penguin to you each month (you must have a fax that answers automatically), contact me with your Fax number. REMEMBER, IT'S FREE!

Send me your drawings, cartoons, or photos to share with us. Editorials and articles will be reviewed for submission (and then promptly tossed in the trash).

The Flying Penguin

Hokay kids, as a special treat, I’m going to run one of my "Flying Penguin’s Coop" columns from R/C Report here for ya today.

I’ll do this once-in-awhile as a special treat for those of you low-life scum who didn’t read my column the first time through (thought you’d get away with it, eh?), for those of you who did read it before but didn’t gag the first time, and for whenever I run late with an issue and have no material for it (like this one) and need some crap to fill it with.

Even if you’ve read them before, they’ll probably seem different because these are the un-edited versions that R/C Report’s humble editor, Gordon Banks, thought were a bit too, umm.... shall we say politically incorrect, for a family magazine.

- by Robert Osorio, The Flying Penguin. Originally appeared in R/C Report’s "Flying Penguin’s Coop" column 12/96

In this first of a series to appear sporadically in this column, The Flying Penguin answers your write-in questions on the subject of model aeronautics, life, the universe, and everything. All answers represented here are solely the views of this columnist and are strongly influenced by his many years involved in the hobby, his lack of a formal education, the three-quarters of a bottle of scotch he drank while writing his responses, and the fact that he was going through a difficult divorce settlement at the time.

Our first reader writes...

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I'm just getting started in the hobby and I'm trying to choose a good first plane. What would you suggest? - John Peanuts"

John, I suggest you buy something large, really large, with a big engine up front. Ya know, something that has to be primed by three men in coveralls turning the prop slowly over their heads. Try a 1/3-scale DC-3 or B-17. You know, they say big planes are easier to fly. Don't bother asking any of those losers at the field for help either, just take it up yourself the first time and be a man - it's easier than it looks. Make sure you have someone videotape the first flight - it should be memorable. Also, get your name changed - you don't want your son going through school with a last name like that.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, Is oil content really all that important? I've been using fuel with twenty percent oil. - Charles Slick"

Certainly is, I like to put at least a bottle and a half of olive oil on my salads.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, what exactly is the recommended procedure for flying near an airport? - Windham Sock"

Windham, I personally don't recommend that you fly near an airport. You see, your plane can actually appear on an airport controller's radar screens and be confused for a full-scale plane. I suggest that you drive right out onto the runway and fly from there, instead. That way the control tower can keep an eye on you, and steer clear any incoming traffic.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, do I have to fly from at a model flying field? There's an empty lot nearby that I'd like to fly from, but I want to be sure I'd be covered by my insurance. - Not L. Thear"

No, it's really not recommended, but I've got an even better idea for you. Fly at the nearest golf course. There's probably one right around the corner from you. These places are normally a terrific waste of space, but some of the holes have real long, empty stretches you can fly from. As long as you don't setup on either the tee-off area or the putting green, you shouldn't be in anyone's way.... not too much, anyway.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I have a 1.08 cu inch two-stroke engine that I crashed last week. It looks like I've bent the crank real bad, and I was wondering how much I could expect to pay to get it fixed if I send it back to the manufacturer. -George Bent"

Heck George, I wouldn't pay anything. Send it back to them with a note saying that was the way you got it new. You tried to fly it anyway and it caused your plane to crash. You should be able to get it fixed for free, and they might even pay for a new plane. If this works, please let me know.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I have an Egg-Beater .60 heli I recently purchased from a homeless person on the street. On days when the sun sets in the west it seems to fly okay, but on days when the sun sets in the east the gyro tends to drift. Could this be caused by solar flares? - Lowell IQ"

Lowell, I seriously doubt that solar flares could have anything to do with your problem. A more likely possibility is that your heli's radio is picking up broadcasts from alien space ships in orbit around the earth. Frankly, I'm not certain what to make of your letter as everyone knows the sun sets in the same direction every day... the south.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I've been told that glue fumes can cause brain damage. Is there any truth to this? - Manny Vapors"

Nonsense, I've been sniffing glue for years and I'm perfectly normal... except for a mild case of Dyslexia and the fact that it takes 15 times as much glue to build a plane as it used to.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I want to get into flying electric planes. I've been told that 'peak' charging the batteries is very important for maximum performance. What's your suggestion? - I. M. Fried"

Personally, I never use a peak charger on my electric packs. I generally connect them straight to a car battery, and use the "flow" technique to tell when they're charged. In other words, when the metal straps connecting the individual battery cells start to melt and flow, it's a good sign that the pack is fully charged. Keep a fire-extinguisher handy.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I wrote you earlier about a suggestion for a first plane. I took your advise and purchased a 1/3 scale DC-3. I had a lot of trouble putting it together and on it's maiden flight it crashed and smashed into a thousand pieces. Everyone at the flying field told me that whoever suggested that type of plane to a first-timer should be horse-whipped. I am including a copy of the videotape of the flight with this letter so you can appreciate the sense of my loss and humiliation over this incident. I'm seriously considering filing a lawsuit against you and your magazine. - John Peanuts"

Yeah, I just watched the tape along with some of the other staff here, what a great laugh! Everyone was in stitches. I haven't seen a hole in the ground that size since I visited Crater Lake Park on my last vacation. I loved the part where one of the engines smashed through the windshield of the minivan and everybody in the parking lot ran for cover! You're wife's a hell of a camera operator, by the way. Anyway, listen up you sniveling little weasel. You don't know the favor I just did for you. Send that tape in to that Stupidest Videos TV show right away. I guarantee it'll win the $100,000 grand prize.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I just love Ugly Sticks. I own five of them, ranging from a 25 size on up to a giant-scale. My next project is going to be a tail-less Ugly Stick. I just wanted to ask you if you have any technical specifications for tail-less design planes you can provide me. I'm particularly worried about aileron size. Do the ailerons have to be larger on a tail-less design?

- Eric Eindecker"

Eric, unfortunately, you are a member of that most common of all the human genus - namely A COMPLETE IDIOT! The very fact that you own five Ugly Sticks means there four too many Ugly Sticks in this world today. I have an excellent suggestion for you: a controlled gasoline fire.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I have a 1/5 scale P-51 that I would like to add a smoke system to, but there is very little room in the plane for a second fuel tank. Any suggestions? - Rob Cough"

Yeah Rob, right before you screw on the wing, light an emergency flare and shove it inside the fuselage. Work quickly though, you should have about five minutes to start it up and takeoff before things get really interesting.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I have a gas engine with a magneto ignition system that won't start. I'd like to check the ignition system for proper voltage. What sort of tester should I use? - Ernie Kilowatt"

The simplest way to test a spark ignition system is to first remove the spark plug. Then, with the wire connected to the plug, touch your tongue to the tip of the spark plug while grasping the engine with your hand. Then have someone turn the engine over with a starter. If you jump back any farther than ten feet when the spark hits you, you have proper voltage.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, is there a simple way to remove air bubbles from monokote? - Steve Irons"

I don't know what you're talking about, all my monokote jobs have bubbles, and I've been in this hobby for years.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I'm looking for a good first-time scale subject for competition. I'm not a very experienced pilot, so I would prefer something easy to fly. - A. Wol"

I would suggest you build a scale model of Howard Hugh's Spruce Goose. This plane never really flew except for a brief run a few feet off the water during which it never broke out of ground effect. You should be able to convince the judges that in order to qualify for the maximum points in scale flight realism, your plane should never fly either.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I'm in the process of building a 1/3-scale P-51 Mustang that I hope to campaign at several national scale meets. I would like to add working machine guns as a scale feature. First off, is this legal? Secondly, do you have any suggestions as to how I would go about building this feature? - Ivabig Gun"

Sure! Not only are working machine guns a neat feature on any scale aircraft, but they never fail to impress the judges. I have a Messerschmitt ME-109 with working guns. After demonstrating it's operation by shooting up another contestant's scale P-40 Warhawk, I then turned the plane on the judge's stand and waved my finger menacingly over the gun channel switch on my transmitter until they awarded me the maximum number of points for scale accessories.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I was hoping you could elaborate on the proper technique for spin recovery. - I. M. Dizzy"

The method I use involves chopping the throttle, dropping the gear and flaps (if any), feeding in full aileron opposite to the direction of the spin, and hopping on one leg while screaming at the top of my lungs "PLEASE, DON'T CRASH!". Doesn't always work, but it's worth a try.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I was told by some fellow modelers at the flying field that after a crash, the most prudent course would be to send your radio back to the manufacturer for servicing, even if there was no obvious damage. Would you concur? - Bashm Goode"

I generally don't even think about sending a radio back to the manufacturer unless I can see some of the innards dangling out of it. All the manufacturer is going to do is place the receiver in a special rig that vibrates it to simulate engine vibration, while checking the radio's performance. You can generally apply the same test yourself using a bench vise and a ten pound ball peen hammer.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I apologize! You were absolutely right! I sent that video of my DC-3 crash to Stupidest Videos and I won the $100,000 grand prize! Thanks again! P.S. I'm seeing the county judge next week to have my last name changed. - John Peanuts"

Glad to hear it John! I saw the show on TV the other day. I swear, that video keeps getting funnier every time I see it. Hope you daughter's recovering from those lacerations nicely.

"Dear Mr. Penguin, I think it's shameful that you would use such an obscene piece of writing, under the guise of humor, as exemplified by the 'Ask The Flying Penguin' article in your column. Do you have any idea of how many impressionable people are out there reading your column thinking it's a serious piece of work? I can't believe you or your editor would be so reckless as to print such abhorrent trash for public consumption. Where is your sense of responsibility, man? - R. Nader - AMA Safety Officer"

Hey, get real, it's just a joke.

FOR SALE:
- Byrons F-16, Eng, retracts, electronics, minus radio & rcvr. $650
- Kyosho Inferno R/C Car, OS Max 21, 9301 servos, like new. $375
- Yellow Aircraft F-16, unbuilt. Scale retracts, OS Max .91, fan & pipe. Brand new. $1,000

Frank - (305) 649-3721 (Miami, FL)

FOR SALE
- Rapier, new, never flown, HB 40 engine, Monokote finish. Comes with old Kraft radio. Just add your radio & fuel. $225 or Make Offer
- Cox Sailboat, excellent condition. $75
Jim - Days: (954) 983-7519 Eves: (954) 434-7471 Pager: (305) 399-3270 (Broward, FL)

FOR SALE:
- MVVS 1.20 Twin, ran only once on test stand. $300
- Super Tiger 3250, 6 month old $195
- Set of Robarts P-51 Retracts, for 1/4 Scale Nosen, Siroli or similar kit. New in box. $195
- Moki 25cc (1.5) Glow Engine, new in box. $225
Charles - (954) 920-4441 (Pembroke Pines, FL) E-Mail: rod293@gate.net

FOR SALE- Left Hobby need to liquidate!
- King Kobra, OS 61 FSR ABC w/type 7M carb, Spring Air Retracts, Futaba 8 ch PCM w/5 FPS130 servos. $500
- Kougar, OS 45 FSR ABC, JR Century VII w/4 servos. $350
- Seamaster, OS 45 FSR ABC, 4 servos (no radio). $250
All first class construction and finish
.- Pica Rapier, wing, fuse & tail 80% finished. $50
- Top Flight P-51, 70% finished. $65
- Miss Ft. Worth, kit by Cunningham. $60
- Flight Box, custom Woodcraft, power panel, 12V Bat & starter $100
- Misc: servos, 2 Futaba AM 6 ch radios, Battery Cycler, chargers, wheels, covering, tools, tanks, & enough small parts to open a hobby store!
Will sell everything in bulk - MAKE AN OFFER!
Jim - (954) 929-4828 or (954) 925-1112 (Hollywood, FL)

FOR SALE
- F-14 Tamecat, 2 seperate wings: one straight & one swept, fly with either one. Covered & looks just like the advertised photo, w/.45 engine . $130
Sal - (954) 752-6106 (Coral Springs, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Great Planes Starfire, ASP 45, flaperons, all servos & rcvr. 1 month old with 15 flights, no crashes. $280
- Great Planes Patriot, OS 46FX, tuned pipe, DOES 120 MPH EASY!, flaperons, retracts, radio, servos. 10 flights, perfect cond $420
Andre - Days: (954) 283-3570, Eves: (954) 724-3561 (Broward, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Ace 30% Extra 230, smoker, spring starter, quality BB servos, RTF $1,200
- Futaba Super 7, transmitter & receiver. $200
- Ace Seamaster 120, plane only. EXCELLENT CONDITION! $225
TRADE ANY OF ABOVE FOR NEW IN BOX G-62 OR LABOR FOR BUILDING & REPAIRS
- Direct Connections F20 Tigershark, retracts, Rossi .45 w/tuned pipe RTF $400
Jeff - (954) 562-3504 (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Citabria, OS .70 Surpass 4 cyl, radio. $450
- Champion Shuler 60 Heli, complete w/radio. $575
- Hirobo Shuttle .30 Heli, w/radio. $450
- Ace 4-40, $130
- Sig Cobra, w/OS .45. $125
- Great Planes PT-60, w/ servos $180
- OS .60 FS, run 3 times, almost new, $89
- Rossi .60, side exhaust, new in box, $99
- Rossi .90, new in box, $249
- Rossi Pipes, Header, carbs, plugs & other parts - new & used for .60's
- Lanier P-51, new , $59
- Lanier Invader, $49
- Magnum Pro .45 & GP .40, new.
- Cox .049, .051, .09, new in box. Many other items. SELL * BUY * TRADE
Isaac - (305) 672-8610 Sun - Fri 9am - 10pm (Miami, FL)

WANTED:
4-Cycle Engines, Will swap 35mm Cameras, 12 G Shotgun, or Color TV’s.
Jacob - (954) 455-0043 (Broward, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Carden Extra 300 35%, plane only: $800. w/5.8 Sachs: $1,300. w/servos: $1,600
- Scratch-built 72" Trainer, set-up as tail-dragger or float plane. w/4 servos: $100, w/floats, $140.
WANTED:
Byron fan and pipe
Keith - (954) 987-3435 (Hollywood, FL)

FOR SALE:
Midwest AT-6, OS 120FS & servos. Never flown. A1 workmanship. Contest ready. First serious offer of $700
Stan - (561) 750-2172 (Boca Raton, FL)

GETTING OUT OF HOBBY - AGE 75 & FAILING HEALTH
Planes: RCM Trainer w/OS 26 Surpass, $100; Telemaster w/Enya 45, $175; Kadet MkIV, framed up, ST 34, $125, Pond Hopper flying boat, 75% framed up, scratch built , incl. wheels, $35; Sig Wonder 50% finished, $25; Klingberg Flying Wing, wing partially built, $25; Futaba 5ch FG, $80; Engines: Fox .45 w/CW & CCW crankshaft; Field Equip: Ace Digipace, ACE HD500 pwr supply, flight meter, trickle charger $100 lot; Flight box, fuel caddy, elec pump, starter, mini starter, $250 lot; Building Supplies: 6 boxes assort. Balsa sheets, planks & sticks, Ply, wheels, eng mounts, servos, hardware, props, sandpaper, tools, covering, foam plank, tanks, spinner, music wire, prop balancer, $250 lot. Electric Plane Gear: All never used, Astro-Flight AC/DC variable rate charger, Graupner Speed 600 motot, Graupner Power MOS 30 spd control, 2 - Sanyo 7 cell packs, $100 lot; Kits (NIB): Chuperosa 1-1/2 meter sailplane, $35; Pup II .02 electric, $10.
John - (330) 499-3092 (Canton, Ohio) E-Mail: jklover@nci2000.net

Will Trade or Sell OS .60 FP - Looking for 90 or 1.20 2-stroke engine
Stan - (305) 931-7188 (North Miami, FL)

Planes Built, Assembled, Recovered & Repaired. Flite boxes made to order. Stan - (305) 931-7188 (North Miami)

WANTED: Jet Model, finished or unfinished, to trade or for cash. Have many planes for sale or trade.
Gary - (954) 791-9592 eves. (Ft. Lauderdale, FL)

WANTED:
Canopy & tailboom for Schlueter Champion .60 Heli. Need for crash parts.
Raul - (305) 471-7973 (work) (305) 220-6399 (home) (Miami, FL)

FOR SALE
- Global Hobbies Raven 60, assembled & test flown. Hot plane. Less engine & radio: $150
- Goldberg Tiger 60, w/ ASP 60. 4 flights. $225.
Brian - (954) 979-8718 (Margate, FL)

WANTED:
Broken/crashed Hobbico trainers or parts. David - (954) 522-8363 (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

FOR SALE:
- HB .40 PDP Engine, w/muffler. Eddie - (954) 389-5212 (Weston)

FOR SALE:
- Schluter Champion 60 Heli, w/ spare crash parts. $500
- Futaba 136G Retract Servo. $30
- Supra Retracts. $25
- Century Ninja Pro 46 Heli, OS 46FX. RTF w/radio: $300
MUST SELL! MUST SELL! MUST SELL!
Jerry - (954) 489-1432 (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Cardinal, 55" span, OS 60, new Futaba FP-T6NFK FM Xmitter, training cord, Futaba FP-T4NBF Xmitter & chargers. Flight box, power panel, fuel caddy, elec pump, batt, starter, ESV, parts, fuel & 24 issues of Model Airplane. $350
Lloyd - (954) 791-6008 (Davie, FL)

New R/C kits, engines, and accessories for sale below mail order prices. For complete list contact Jimmy Jemail via Compuserve 102203,2601 or call (954) 753-0650 (Pompano, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Precision Eagle 4.2 Engine, TOC Glow version, exc. cond., complete w/ lightweight Dern quiet muffler. Incredibly powerful and smooth. Little time since purchase (used) from Bob Geofrey in ‘96. $350 OBO. Barry - (508) 521-1618 EST, eves 7-10pm (Massachusetts) or E-mail: dbarrym@worldnet.att.net

FOR SALE
- Lanier 1/4-scale Lazer 200, new in box. $200. Joe - (561) 483-5784 (Boca Raton, FL)

FOR SALE:
- Morris Hobbies Profile Hots, OS Max 32 SF ABC, tuned pipe, Futaba 148 servos, battery, less radio. RTF $225 OBO
- Goldberg Ultimate, new Webra 120 w/articulating pump, $600 OBO.
- DAD Mixer, for Flaperons. $25 OBO
MUST SELL! ALL PRICES NEGOTIABLE!
Jeff - (305) 595-2762 (Miami, FL) - Leave message