Yup, it's that time of year again when I wish you and yours happy holidays. It's also that time of the year when retail store owners salivate unashamedly in public, and fools part company with money faster than at a P. T. Barnum production.

In most other parts of the country, modelers are settling in for the long winter building season, but here in Florida the only change to our flying style is these damnably short days.

Speaking of short days, am I the only one who's sick and tired of Daylight Saving's time? Tell me if I'm wrong on this, but wasn't Daylight Savings instituted during World War II as a means to save energy and resources for the war effort? Well I've got news for you folks - THE WAR IS OVER (except for Ronald Reagan of course, it still plays out in glorious Technicolor in his livingroom daily at 2 o'clock).

The other excuse I heard someone (not too politely) put forward for the existence of Daylight savings was that it was kept in effect so that children wouldn't have to walk to school in the dark. Hey folks, wake up, kids take buses nowadays. Or if they are so close to school that they walk, we've got these dandy, blinding, orange, fry-your-eyeballs out, street lights that more than make up for the fact that it's dark outside.

You know, there's actually a couple of states (Arizona's one of them, I think) where there is no Daylight Savings time! Farsightedness on someone's part, I'd say. I mean, what's the sense in turning back the clock on an already short day? If anything, we should be moving the clock forward during the winter to compensate for the shorter afternoons. I don't know about you folks, but I'd much rather wake up and go to work in darkness than drive home in darkness. If most of you are like me, you spend the entire day in a dungeon of an office with no outside windows. To come out at the 5 PM whistle to a dark sky is just too darn depressing for words (and I'm not even going to get into the issue of after-work flying!). They say more suicides happen during the Winter than at any other time of the year and I can understand that, what with the dark drives home and all the shopping...

As always, posting an ad in the Penguin is free, but if you'd like to show your appreciation for my efforts here, I will gladly accept a donation of two dollars. This donation is strictly voluntary, but if you want to show your support, it would be appreciated, (and you'll be helping support my bad habits). Please send in your ads now for next month's issue, tentatively set for release 1/7/97 (or whenever the hell I get around to it - I haven't met a deadline yet as you well know by now). Send your ads to:

Please note, new address!

The Flying Penguin
12555 Biscayne Blvd, Suite 832
North Miami, FL 33181-2597

Phone: (305) 892-9007 Fax: (305) 893-6221
CompuServe: 70254,2145 Internet: osorio@sprynet.com

Please include your name, city, and phone number. Ads can be for anything having to do with modeling: used items for sale, want-ads, building services, contests, event announcements, death threats, etc. Copies of The Flying Penguin are available at Markham Park (get 'em when you can, the Park police are stealing them again), Coral Springs Condors Field (courtesy Marv Grubb), Gulf Hobbies in Hollywood (954) 987-7500, and Orange Blossom Hobbies in Miami (305) 633-2521 (courtesy of Charles Rodriguez).

You'll also find a copy of the Flying Penguin in the Newsletter Library section of the Model Aviation Forum on CompuServe, and on the Flying Penguin Web Site of Love: http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/osorio/. If you'd like a subscription, send me a book of stamps and I'll mail you an issue each month. If you'd like me to Fax the Penguin to you each month (you must have a fax that answers automatically), contact me with your Fax number. REMEMBER, IT'S FREE!

Send me your drawings, cartoons, or photos to share with us. Editorials and articles will be reviewed for submission (and then promptly tossed in the trash).

- The Flying Penguin

Bob's Top Ten Impossible Scenarios I'd Like to See... #10 - The AMA gets it's act together (yeah, right)... #9 - Every person who's ever been on the Geraldo Rivera show dies in an airline disaster and the cargo hold contained every Ugly Stick in existence, plus all the plans to make any more new ones... #8 - Someone builds a Ni-Starter that lasts five years.... #7 - Someone builds a fuel pump that lasts five years.... #6 - Glow Fuel comes down to a dollar a bottle... #5 - Someone manufactures a pilot bust of Jenny McCarthy (would that be pilot bust or pilot busts?) #4 - Someone tears down Geraldo Rivera's face on prime time television to see what's hiding behind it... #3 - I get an offer to write a monthly magazine column in an R/C magazine (OOPS, that one actually came true!) #2 - We get a president who flies model airplanes on his days off (we came close - one of George Bush's sons flies R/C)... #1 - The heli pilots at my flying field start impounding their radios for a change...

WHEW! LATE AGAIN!

Man! Two weeks late on this issue. Sorry 'bout that. This is a real busy time of year for me at work. For the next couple of months I really earn my keep working long hours. Unfortunately, the newsletter suffers for it.

You know, I could sure use some help around here. I know there's many of you out there with a lot of free time on your hands (I know it because I see some of you guys out at the field just about every damn day - you guys live there or what?). It's not easy finding something worth putting in here every month, even with my reader's low standards, and it would be mighty nice if some of you put pen to paper and wrote something to submit for publication. Anything will do: your last flying vacation, flying misadventures, kit reviews, or whatever. Maybe there's something really pissing you off about your flying club (Lord knows that's all I write about...). C'mon, write something on the back of a ransom note and send it in. I promise I won't laugh at you (not too much anyway).

- The Flying Penguin

This story has nothing to do with modeling, and can only be associated with aeronautics in the vaguest way, but it's just too damn funny and bizarre for words. An Airline pilot friend told me about this, so I just had to do a little on-line research on it. Honest, I am not making this up. Here's what I dug up...

The Darwin Award is a tongue-in-cheek annual international honor awarded to the person who did the human gene pool the greatest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

In 1995 the winner was a fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which crushed him as it toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it (oh yeah, it's the real thing...).

This year's winner is that rarest sub-species of all the human genus, a complete and utter idiot. Here's why:

An Arizona Highway Patrol State Trooper came upon a pile of burning wreckage imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of a private plane crash, and an NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board) team was sent to investigate. After picking through the wreckage for an hour, it quickly became apparent that it was not an aircraft at all, but actually an automobile. Eventually, this picture of the events that led up to the accident emerged:

It seems that a fellow had stolen a JATO unit from the Air Force base he worked at as a civilian employee. A JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit is actually a solid-fuel rocket motor that is used to give heavy military transport aircraft additional thrust for taking off from short airfields. They are also installed, I was much surprised to find out from my airline pilot friend, on some commercial airliners for use during an emergency engine failure during takeoff. These devices are capable of producing some 30,000 pounds of thrust for several minutes. There is no throttle or thrust control as these are chemical based units, like the Space Shuttle's solid rocket boosters, and once ignited, will continue to produce thrust until they burn up all their fuel.

Well the aforementioned lunatic had driven his 1967 Chevrolet Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car trunk (apparently doing an excellent job of attachment and aligning it along the car's center axis). Then he proceeded to accelerate down the road to get up some speed, and fired off the JATO unit (Oh boy! Mayhem!).

From the skid marks left in the road, the Highway Patrol estimated that his speed topped off at between 250 and 300 mph (in a '67 chevy!). The vehicle managed to somehow stay on the road (and stay in one piece) for the next few minutes (can you imagine what the wheel bearings must've looked like at the end of those few minutes?), although it should be noted that the driver was likely subjected to several G's (Earth Gravity's) of thrust during this time, and as such, would've had great difficulty maintaining control over the vehicle. At some time during this fun ride, he apparently tried to brake the vehicle - a useless gesture which only served to burn the brake shoes away. The engine cover also flew off the vehicle at some time during this wild romp, as it was eventually recovered on the highway.

Eventually the vehicle (as we all must, sooner or later) came to a bend in the road, at which point it apparently attained flight, traveling a quarter of a mile through the air before impacting into the side of a cliff about 125 feet above the ground. The only human remains recovered were bone fragments mixed with pieces of what was presumed to be the steering column.

I can only begin to imagine what went through this individual's mind during the final moments of that wild ride (that is, before the JATO rocket went through his mind!). I also take issue with the fact that all reports claim he was alone. Anyone who'd attempt to perform such an incredible act of stupidity, I believe, would've certainly invited some friend out to watch him do it - I just can't believe the poor slob wouldn't have wanted an audience, it's too much a part of human nature. I highly suspect that there's someone out there who witnessed the "launch" and is wisely keeping mum about the whole thing (or else he was standing behind the car trying to get a really impressive photo of the engine lighting off and now he's a greasy stain on the roadside, and a contender for the Darwin Award himself!).

Personally, I think this should get added to Jeff Foxworthy's criteria for being a red-neck: "If you find yourself strapping a JATO rocket to the back of your '67 Chevy and flying at 300 miles-per-hour into the side of a mountain... then you may be a red-neck..."